One Blog to remember, another to forget

Posted in Uncategorized on June 3, 2018 by doctorbacon

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Whelp.

That didn’t last long.

I thought I would continually feel better for longer. But the feeling is growing shorter. After the last post, I realized, that in making R2 hate me, I made it easier for her to move on. I mean, not that she wasn’t moving on. I just made it easier for her. There was someone to blame, to point the finger at, a cause that had a face. When you’re mad at someone, it’s so much easier to push them out of your life. You just don’t want them around anymore. That’s part of how I was sad when Dad died, but was still able to not care about it. Does that make sense?

For me, with R2, it’s the opposite. I explained to a friend, this is worse than death. See, in death, that person is no longer in your life, but they’re not in anyone else’s life either and it was out of everyone’s control. In breaking up, they simply CHOOSE not to be in your life anymore – and everyone else still gets to see them.

I’ve quit acting. Well… not necessarily quit, but I’ve quit pursuing it. I’ll still let the work come to me if it wants.

Why am I quitting? I realized something else. One day, I got a call from the dub studio I work with. Short version: they’ve been outsourced to do English voice over for a big video game. They called me up to do some small roles. (there’s a lot more back story, but that’s not important) Doing a voice in a video game has been on my bucket list since forever. But when I got that news, I didn’t have that “special someone” to share it with. That’s when I realized pretty much all of my friends who came out here or to New York to pursue that dream… the ones who are succeeding and living off of the dream… they all have a special someone in their lives. A rock. Someone to support them through the bad and celebrate with through the good. Someone who truly understands your excitement whether or not they understand the topic and gets excited just because you are. I don’t have that special someone… so what’s the point?

Things aren’t going to get any better. … I mean. They are. I’m getting internet (finally) in two weeks. I’ll eveennntualllly feel better… but things won’t. Get. Better.

So. In terms of pursuing love. In terms of pursuing acting. I’m not strong enough to fail anymore.
I quit.

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Let the past die. Blog it, if you have to.

Posted in Uncategorized on June 2, 2018 by doctorbacon

Follow up on Ramen.
After yesterday’s entry… I had to reach out to her. I asked her about that last time… she said I did not rape her. So, there’s that.

Anywhey. Time for the story.

Hokay.
Here goes.

After Ramen, I lost all sense of self worth and gave up on dating. But then through some confused identities and my inner Hufflepuff, I met R2.

I met R2 through an aquaintance, her best friend. I had actually met her before, but we didn’t speak at all, so I don’t count that. So these three girls and two guys come to pick me up at work before heading to a sushi dinner before celebrating the best friend’s birthday. I remember R2 walking straight up to my face as I greeted them. It was actually not the best first impression. 😀 I remember thinking to myself, “Who the hell is this girl getting all up in my face?”

So we go to sushi. I sit across from R2… Conversations happen, but I mostly chat with R2 and other folks chime in here and there. I end up thinking she’s real cute. I leave them to go home and let them celebrate. I message both R2 and bestie on Instagram and give both my number cause I didn’t want to seem too obvious. I told myself I was done with dating, but there was no harm in just making new friends, right? I just thought she was cute is all… then R2 begins chatting me at the end of their night and things go from there.

The texting got intense. We got to know each other quickly, but acted like we had known each other for years even quicker. She comes on to me VERY strongly, much like Sailor Moon did. She expresses interest in me, but I resisted. Twice. Honestly, I didn’t really put up that much of a fight, but I did resist. I find out she’s just barely half my age. I resist. She says that’s not going to stop her. I find out she’s moving. I resist again. She says she might not move.

I begin to think I might give dating a second chance. So we have a first date. I think she was more nervous than I was, but I don’t normally get nervous till the “goodbye” at the end of the date anyway. We end up having 5 dates, including an entire day date, in three weeks… Actually just two. There was one week, our last week, where we were still dating, but her schedule didn’t permit us seeing each other. Fun fact: she lived an hour and half away, so that didn’t help either.

During dating, something weird happens between her and the best friend and she tells me she’s not looking for a relationship. I tell her she’s been in control this entire time. After a few days, I tell her if she’s fine with us continuing with what we’ve been doing, just dating-not girlfriend/boyfriend, and she’s okay with that, I’m fine with it too. She says she is. Then she breaks up with me that weekend. She says it’s because of distance, her schedule, the move, and because of fear of something serious.

There it is again. FEAR. Just like with Sailor Moon. I try to convince her not to let fear drive her decision. I try to say, “Trust me on this! I let fear make my decision once and it didn’t go well!!!”

After some painful texts, and nosy snap opens, is when I fuck it all up. I see a snap with her and a guy. The text “spoiled” and a bitmoji of her with hearts and “cute” is on it. After a history of girls lying to me about why things end (see: Ramen), I jump to a conclusion. That’s when I do all the unfriending, blah blah blah. I send her a very mean/angry text ending with telling her that she destroyed me. I realize now she didn’t destroy me. I did that to myself.

I upset her. I really upset her. She tells me she’s just been hanging out with a high school friend who just got back from deployment. I send her new friend requests that day. This was maybe five days ago. She still hasn’t accepted. She probably never will.

After that text is when she tells me I got obsessive. I did. It just sucks I didn’t see that and needed someone to point it out. I think she was still interested in being friends if I hadn’t done that. Hell, just about everyone, including the bestie, thought there was a good chance we could get back together. The bestie even told me there was a point where R2 was “this close” to texting me for us to give it a shot. But I messed up. I’ll consider myself lucky if she only wants me to rot in hell.

Another thing she tells me is that it was too much too fast. That’s when I finally understand she meant me getting too serious, not us. (oh yeah, in the “text I never should have sent”, I bring up how I was starting to fall in love-more on that in a moment) This comment clarifies things for me and only confuses me more. The clarification I begin to understand is that she meant I was getting too serious… the confusions comes from how I let her be in control – I was only following her lead. When and how did I get too serious?

This is the part where I remind you you’re only reading my side of the story.

From the beginning, even before the dating began, I followed her lead. She flirted, then I flirted back. She flirted hard, so I flirted hard. She began talking about sex, then I did. She starts talking about how “my time” with her will come. She opened up a little to me, so I opened up a little. She wanted to get to know more about me, so I wanted to get to know more about her. I wish I knew exactly where I (apparently) did more than she did that she thought I was getting too serious. Lemme splain. She started sending music videos or videos of her singing along to songs. She would tell me to listen to the lyrics, like Big Boi’s “All Night” and Gwen Stefani’s “Make Me Like You”. Some were just downright… naughty. Then there’s a night where she’s celebrating something with some friends and she’d been having drinks. I make a joke about drunk texting and she says how being drunk makes people honest. Later that night she sends me a video of her singing along to Andy Grammer’s “Good to be alive (Hallelujah)”. Specifically the lyrics “I think I finally found my hallelujah. I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life. Now all my dreams are finally coming true, ya.”

I sit there. And I let it sink in. And then I think, “I think I found mine too.”

For the first time, since Sailor Moon, I find someone who made me feel like I was enough. One night, I was out with some friends, and I brought her up. Without even thinking, I just blurt out, “Ya I’m very happy right now.”

I took myself off guard with that statement. I had never called myself happy in YEARS, let alone VERY happy. I always had her leaving in the back of my head, but somehow, I still said that. So, I just accept it. I’m finally HAPPY. Even though she will be leaving, we’ll be together for about half a year and make some memories. I guess I just didn’t make her feel happy enough. I was fine with (what I thought was) a mutual agreed ending, but she cancelled the series after the fifth episode. Preparing for something to end is so completely different than having it end abruptly.

Now don’t get me wrong. I never told her I was in love with her. I told her in the stupid text that I was starting to. I wasn’t offering to start picking out curtains or anything. And in our flirty texts, I never talked about a future together, other than Halloween plans.

I kind of rambled a bit there. So ya. I was following her lead, or so I thought. I told her, out of all the girls I dated, she was the most mature, which was very surprising considering she’s 21. So it was even more confusing that she wouldn’t just talk to me about it as oppose to just quitting. Why couldn’t she tell me how/when I was getting too serious??? I could have taken it back a notch. Again. I resisted twice from the beginning, So I would have been fine with pulling back the reigns a bit. I thought I was only giving what she gave.

In the end… it doesn’t matter anymore now. I’m never going to see her again. And we’re never going to talk to each other again. I still have feelings for her. I know I’ll text her on her birthday, just to say happy birthday. She’ll probably be nice and say thanks and ask how I’m doing.

But should I even respond to that?

“The people that are quick to walk away are the ones who never intended to stay.”

 

Bully.

Florence Nightingblog

Posted in Uncategorized on June 1, 2018 by doctorbacon

Hokay.

This is totally a good idea.

I think.

I hope.

Last night, I felt SO much better. The feeling went away very quickly, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Also, last night, in bed, I thought about notes on my macbook pro. “Why not just use that?” I thought to myself.

I thought for awhile. It just doesn’t feel like I’m “talking” to someone about this, ya know? Posting feels like I’m talking to an invisible therapist who just listens, an invisible barkeep who just nods.
But I digress…

Since I have today off, let’s start at the beginning of this story…
*cues beginning of the story music*

NO. Wait.
*record scratch*

This is a story about a girl. But before I get to that story, I must visit the ghosts of girlfriends (and almost girlfriends) past for this blog. I’m not gonna start with my first, but I’m starting with a specific one for a reason, which I hope will become relevant later.

Juuuuuuuuuust in case… and because I know one ex in particular is paranoid about the internet, names will be changed. Sailor Moon is the first, and she’s the one who is all paranoid. She wouldn’t even let me tag her grandfather in a pic or post his name when I talked about how happy I was to meet him.

Also, before I begin, we all know I tend to ramble, but I will do my best to stick to specific things relevant to the oncoming story.

So. Sailer Moon.

Sailor Moon found me on myspace. She messaged me in November 2005. We hit it off and set up a meet in December at one of her friend’s Christmas party. After that we had a first date. She came on VERY strong to me and things moved quickly. She told me she was in love with me a little over month into dating. Now, Sailor Moon wasn’t the first girl I said, “I love you” to, but she was the first girl I LOVED. Anywhey… about a year and half later… I start to really get serious. I opened a savings account for a ring on a whim. Then, one day, we’re just sitting together watching a movie on my couch, and… I just get scared. For the first time, “the future” really starts to come into mind, and I freaked out and broke up with her. It was a long and painful break up. It took me too long to realize I broke up out of fear. By the time I realized it, I was a coward, full of too much pride, and didn’t say anything. When I finally got over myself and wanted to tell her… she was engaged. To a guy she was only dating for a month (I’m not judging on that – I’m just saying they only dated for a month – she’s happily married with three kids). I put her through a lot of crap with the breakup, and then I was selfish again and almost ruined her happiness with her then soon to be husband.

So that was over ten years ago. After her, I had 5 relationships: Salmon, Squids, Not Los Angeles, Gums (ooh… that names kinda mean… hahaha), and NotGirlfriend. I was also in two relationshiTs: School bully, and Ramen. All the girlfriends I ever had…I broke up with some, some broke up with me, some just up and disappeared, and one I accidentally helped break up with me. But to none of them, after Sailor Moon, did I ever say “I love you,” because I finally knew what it truly meant and I don’t like to lie. Especially in affairs of the heart. Especially with what my four siblings have been through. Especially because of my one brother who is on his third marriage, and only because he knows she loves him even though he doesn’t feel the same. He is bitter against the world and just wants to feel needed. Sorry. Babbling.

Ramen was before R2 (the girl for the main story). I bring her up for a few reasons. I think she only liked me kinda how Lorraine Baines fell for George McFly – pity for being hurt. I was in a play she was stage managing for. During this time, I lost my car, then ended up being punched in the face on the Metro. That’s a blog for another time, but I bring it up so you get the Back to the Future correlation. Anywhey, she started offering me rides home and then invited me out to dinner once and things went from there. She was weird about the whole thing though. She didn’t want anyone in the cast to know. And I couldn’t post anything about it. We weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend… we weren’t even “dating”. She was in an A Cappella group, and, for whatever reason, didn’t mind them seeing us hold hands and whatnot. But, I knew it wasn’t going to end well when one of them asked, “So are you guys seeing each other, dating, just friends or what?” and she just nodded in response.

I KNEW it was over waaaayyyy before she called it off. Us holding hands turned into me holding a dead fish. I knew she QUICKLY lost interest, but I was lonely and just wanted something positive in my life. She finally broke things off after about a month. Turns out she was (possibly already) interested in someone else. She starting seeing her new boyfriend within the next week, then finally made it official soon after. I guess she wasn’t embarrassed of him… or whatever reason she didn’t want people knowing about us. We were only intimate two and a half times… hehehe… half. Thank you allergies and Benadryl for making that a difficult night. But I bring that up, because… I used to worry the last time… I raped her. In retrospect, I sure as hell hope I didn’t, but I do still honestly worry about it. Because if she feels like I did, I hope she does something about it. That is not something I can just say I’m sorry for. Also… maybe I am being punished for it with what I’m going through now…?


Shit. I am a horrible person. I really am.
But this is helping me. It’s helping me feel better. Not about myself, but I am feeling better.

I think that’s all the prequel we need before the story. I might post it tomorrow. Maybe on Sunday. Maybe just next week. Maybe just later.

Or maybe something will happen and I’ll realize this isn’t helping. So I’ll stop and look for another outlet.

Bully.

Nothing to worry ablog!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 31, 2018 by doctorbacon

Hokay!

Wow, this site changed a bit. I totally forgot, or maybe I never knew, that I could look up if I have any followers! I don’t! Now I can freely post here without judgement. Just honestly talk about this mess I got myself into, with no repercussions. Sheesh. I should have just done this to begin with.

But THAT is a blog… for another time…

Bully. 🙂

I only have myself to blog for this.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 31, 2018 by doctorbacon

Hooboy. I haven’t been here in years.
Years.

But I done fucked up, A-Aron. I done fucked up. Austin, Josh, if you’re still reading this, I didn’t get into too much details, cause everyone here was saying things could still end up positive. I tried to stay away from hope, but I only got more of it. Clay, if you’re still reading this… we should catch up sometime soon, buddy. Message me.

As for you, my loyal Joseholics, if YOU’RE somehow still reading this. Wow. Thank you. Did you get an e-mail notification? Do they still do that? For people who haven’t blogged in years? I’m surprised I could still log on… but I digress. First off, I started a vlog. If you’re still a fan, check it here… although I’ve only got two more posts for that left. That should catch you up on my antics.

Now… how did I fuck things up? Well, I should start from the beginning, cause that’s where good stories start, amirite? But… this isn’t a good story. Not only is this story a tragedy and not a comedy (Thank you, “Stranger than Fiction”), I ended up being the bad guy. I lashed out at someone and said things I can never take back and will never be able to apologize for. I don’t want to go into too much details about the whole thing just yet, honestly, but I’ve been bottling up a lot and talking to the wrong people about it… well… maybe the right people; their hearts were in the right places, but I should have left them out. Bottling it all up led to me blowing up and reacting in ways I wouldn’t have with a level head. I’ve been doing a lot of stupid things to myself and I need a healthy outlet. (No, I haven’t been suicidal. I’ve been through that phase and I know it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem – Besides I can’t leave Korben on his own). I just realized I’ve been horribly depressed and feeding it and fueling it, only making things worse, and thus making me do stupid things.

So yeah, all this bottling up. Needing an outlet. I’ve been passive aggressive in the past with posts regarding this kind of situation, but this person deserved none of that, and I did mostly okay, till that lashing out bit. (spoiler – I unfriended them on all my social media accounts, then sent friend requests once I realized how stupid and petulant I was being. They haven’t accepted, except on instagram, I think, but I would have had to block in that case… but I’m still not going to… publicly announce boohoo me, if that makes any sense… Just because I know they can’t see what I post, doesn’t make it okay, right?) I tried voice texting myself as an attempt today, but it didn’t really feel like it helped. Then I remembered you, my invisible friend, that I used to talk to about my shenanigans, professional and personal. You don’t feel the need to try to cheer me up, with what you think I think I want to hear, tough love, or anything. And I won’t make you feel awkward thinking you’re supposed to say anything. 🙂

I think, I’ll put more here as the days go by, but this is a good start, I think. I dunno. Maybe I’ll spread it out, maybe it’ll all just be one long blog next time. Or maybe I’ll just leave it at this. Whooooo knooooows? Just remember, you’re only hearing my side of the story.

Bully.

I wanna be treated like a blogstar‏

Posted in Uncategorized on March 5, 2012 by doctorbacon
Hokay, blogaholics.
 
Update times.
 
FOURPLAY: Tampa was well recieved at Sundance! It didn’t win any awards, but I heard it had a bit of a cult following. A few good reviews, like this one; but unfortunately there was one bad review. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew what I was getting into and was a little expectant of some negativity. I am surprised it was only one, but the bad part is it’s the one review on our IMDB entry. Oh well. It doesn’t bother me none, but I’m sure it won’t help the movie much. What really chaps my hide about it is that it seems more like an insulting review than constructive criticism. Also, the guy says he never rates 1 star or less…but it’s his ONLY review on IMDB…
 
Meh.
 
On, sort of, another note, I’m itchin to film again. Not so much to say I was in a film, come see it, help us raise money, hey look at me, blah blah blah. I just miss that rockstar feeling (who wouldn’t?), but I really miss that feeling of doing what I LOVE and knowing I’m being paid for it, (sometimes) just sitting around doing nothing (waiting for setups) and getting to know your “co-workers”, not having to deal with dumb/angry customers, no cancer stress, no WORK stress, going home and sometimes feeling drained but in such a good way. I don’t care if it’s a 4 am call with an 11 pm wrap for not the greatest pay; I miss the fun, the comraderie, the crew, and the atmosphere.
 
Just sayin.
 
Bully.

Zombies, Blog!

Posted in Uncategorized on January 6, 2012 by doctorbacon

In preparation for the release of Zombies, Run!, I am making a Zombpocalypse playlist for when I jog. I have a jogging playlist, but it’s starting to lose it’s oomph for me. To go with this mood, I want songs that’ll get me in the mindset of shooting some zombies or running away from them. Now granted, I like Don’t Stop Me Now used in Shaun of the Dead, it doesn’t really make me wanna kill zombies or get my blood pumping; so songs like that aren’t on my list. It is energetic though, so it’s on my normal jogging playlist. But just because it was in a zombie movie doesn’t mean it’s right for my list.  So far it’s a short list…

 

What are your top ten zombie run/kill songs? (ten only please)